Penultima 3: Insert Clever Title
by paladin2007
Summary: Set after the events of Penultima: Rerolled, set after the first Penultima, the excellent campaign module designed by Stefan Gagne. Small doses of Penultma style humor inserted randomly. If you haven't played Penultima, you may be in the dark for a while.


Penultima 3:Insert Clever Title

Chapter 1

Okay, this is my response to the incredible work of module known as Penultima and its far better sequel, Penultima: Rerolled designed by Stefan Gagne, quite possibly the coolest guy on earth. Oh, if you don't know what Penultima is, visit right now! Download the best module on earth immediately! Now, I might as well get this over with.

Disclaimer: I'll only say this once, so listen up. I don't own Neverwinter Nights or Penultima, Bioware and Stefan Gagne do, respectively. I also don't own any related characters. I do, however, own my character and the storyline of Penultima 3: insert clever title. Special, ain't it? I thought so. And I don't do this often, so feel free to hate-mail me for it.

Furin Stinforge: pop What the heck am I doing here?

Paladin2007: I summoned you here.

Furin: quivering in fear Advent?

Paladin2007: Don't confuse me with that jerk. He controlled the lives of every adventurer in Penultima, deciding what they do and…wait a second, this sounds familiar. I do that every other Sunday with my gaming group!

Furin: So, who are you?

Paladin2007: You're familiar with Penultima's creator, Stefan Gagne, right?

Furin: Ah, yeah, he did create me.

Paladin2007: No, I did.

Furin: OO What?

Paladin2007: I created you, Stefan Gagne created Penultima; I'm your player.

Furin: You're my player?! A little geeky human gamer?! pouting I was hoping for an axe-loving dwarf or something.

Paladin2007: Are we forgetting who teleported who? Should I teleport you back to Azul's complex maybe?

Furin: OO Meep.

Paladin2007: That's what I thought.

Furin: So, can I at least see Talya? It's been awhile since you finished Penultima: Rerolled and I haven't seen her in a while.

Paladin2007: Maybe later, but first we have to start the fanfic.

Furin: But…

Paladin2007: You can start it, or I can end you via a one way trip to Balor land.

Furin: OO Right. So here begins…what was it?

Paladin2007: Penultima 3: Insert Clever Title

Furin: Oh, right. Here begins Penultima 3: Insert Clever Title!

Paladin2007: …Nice job.

Furin: This coming from god? I'm flattered.

Paladin2007: Whatever presses fanfic start button

Penultima 3: Insert Clever Title

Chapter One

Random narrator voice quoting Stefan Gagne: Penultima... it's a kingdom where nothing of great importance ever happens. A place where the primary challenges of the day are not fighting for your life against hordes of orcs or scouring the local dungeon for shiny metal, but trying to find a good cup of coffee or debating proposed tax reform laws.

Oh, there are warriors and monsters and wizards and adventures aplenty -- but they're halfhearted echoes of the greater glories available elsewhere in the world. A perpetual lazy afternoon seems to settle over Penultima... an aura of modernized living, proper civilization, nothing out of place, nothing too alarming, nothing too excite…oof!"

"Then shut up!" A random glass bottle came out of no where and pegged the narrator. I walked by, not paying it any attention, my razor-sharp axe clinking against my shiny armor. I was a busy dwarf on a special mission of great importance…Sort of.

I came to an alley, probably the only one in all of Penultima City, and waiting for me was the expected, a shady looking man waiting to receive his delivery.

"So, do you have it?" he asked.

"Yes, I have the stupid item, now can we end this fetch quest finally?" I asked exasperated.

"Oh, of course" he said taking the item and handing me a sizable sum of gold which, oddly enough, weighed nothing.

"Oh, great, one-hundred gold, this should hold me a day with the taxes and housing costs here" I said dryly, leaving.

"Thank you for the business!" the man called. I whirled.

"You're welcome, now do you mind if I split you with my axe?" I asked.

He struggled with the answer for a moment before saying cheerfully "Thank you for the business!" again.

I sighed and spun on my heels, exiting the alley. Since the fall of the Advent, the god of adventuring, Penultima hadn't been doing well. It was really showing in the creativity department of the adventures. Don't get me wrong, I like dungeon crawls that are nothing but hack and slash, but it gets old the eight-thousandth run for some random artifact or plot item that you can't possibly use, only to give it to some random NPC for a friendly pat on the back and a tiny sum of gold. Yeah, I almost wish the Advent was back. At least it was exciting with him around…Wait, what am I saying?! I hated the Advent! He killed Talya more than a few times, and even killed me a couple of times too, even if he did give me the ability to respawn.

"Speaking of Talya" I thought. I was going to meet her for lunch at the You Deserve a Break Today tavern, or the YDBT tavern for short. I checked the time on my watch (funny how it hasn't been broken in the zillion fights I've gone through) and found lunch time fast approaching, so I hustled past mobs of random NPCs and to the YDBTT.

The place was packed, which was unusual since the Interplane was invented by the PUTS. Despite being packed, though, the place was silent due to everyone there but all of four people being jacked on to the Interplane, Talya being one of the four. She was sitting alone in a table in the corner nursing a mug of coffee.

"Talya!" I called from across the room, striding over to her. She stood, smiling. She was a half-foot taller than I was due to her being a human and me being a dwarf, even if I was quite tall for a dwarf. Talya was my wife technically, though we don't treat things as such. The wedding was a little hasty for Talya's tastes, and we were waiting for a real wedding ceremony when things quieted down.

"You're late" she said playfully.

"Better late than never, and it just might have been too! That stupid NPC I took the job from betrayed me and I had to fight my way through a dungeon filled with thugs, all the while not letting the stupid plot item break. It was next to impossible!" I exclaimed. I was tired, and it was only lunchtime.

"Well, you don't have it as bad as some of us. The last six people I tried pick pocketing magically spun around just as I started trying!" she yelled, sitting. I sat across from her.

"Sounds like today is a sucky day" I said.

"Yeah" she answered dryly, pushing her mug over to me.

"Don't you want it?" I asked.

"Not thirsty" she answered more dryly than before.

"How many have you had?" I asked before taking a slurp of the mug. It was cold. Yuck.

"Sixteen" she answered. I spat my mouthful back into the mug.

"Shouldn't you be on a caffeine high right now?" I asked.

"Caffeine makes me angry, not hyper" she said, more dryly than ever.

"How come I never knew this?"

"You never asked" she snapped.

"OK, well, what'd you call me here for?"

"I wanted to talk about current events."

"…like…?"

"Like the lawsuit pending on Penultima."

"What?!" I yelled. The entire bar looked at me. I nervously smiled.

"Dawn and everyone else in the valley is being sued for the destruction of Azul's oddities and "the unfortunate loss of his business"."

"Who's suing us?!"

"That would be the lord of Bator and his corrupt, evil lawyers. That would also be the reason the taxes and the price of housing in the city have risen".

"Don't they know Azul was planning a hostile takeover?!"

"Yep, and they don't care. If the suit carries, the entire valley's occupancy will be sold into slavery in Bator unless Dawn can gather one-million gold."

"So how much does she have now?"

"Almost enough. We'll be fine if the taxes stay like this for another month." She sounded more dull now.

"You don't sound angry anymore" I pointed out.

"I'm hitting my low now. I get this way after drinking coffee. So, anything you want to complain about?"

"Besides the lack of creativity in Penultima's adventures, the skyrocketing taxes in Penultima, and the devastating lack of people moving into the valley, I have one thing to complain about."

"That being…"

"That being me having to sleep in the damn Guild of Middlemen until the Inn is rebuilt!"

"Yeah, the rebuild is going pretty slowly, even if the work is almost finished." There was an odd silence in the tavern. I broke it.

"So, what have you been up to lately?" I asked.

"Oh, pick pocketing here, stealing there, you know, the usual, though I am supposed to meet Dawn today."

"What time?"

"Around one o'clock." I checked my watch.

"Don't look now, but it's 12:55" I said.

"What?! I gotta go!" she yelled, jumping from the table. She was halfway out the door before she spun. "Oh yeah, Dawn said you were supposed to come with; you coming or not?"

I sighed. "Why not? I just hope we don't get jumped by thugs or something mildly exciting happens."

"Oh come on. With Advent gone, nothing can happen" she said cheerfully.

"You got over the coffee-induced crash quickly enough" I said.

"Shut up" she snapped, sprinting out the door.

"Hey, have you forgotten I'm a dwarf? Despite being a tall, thin dwarf, I've still got slow movement!" I called after her. She kept on going.

"Fine" I muttered. I had more than one way to move. I pulled a flask from my belt, popped the top, and chugged its contents. I immediately felt the potion's effects. Well, technically it wasn't a potion, it was Royal Cappuccino, but it worked the same as a Potion of Speed and was free as I snagged it out of Dawn's last party. I took off running and blew past Talya.

"Hey Talya, how's it feel to be slow, huh, huh, huh?!" I said, talking a million miles an hour.

"What a waste of Cappuccino" she responded.

"Maybe, but I bet I can beat you to the castle" I said and took off like a shot.

"No fair!" she called after me. I kept the sprint for a couple of seconds, then the Cappuccino wore off, and Talya caught up immediately.

"Not so fast anymore are we?" she gloated.

"Shut up" I snapped.

"Oh, now who's angry?" she taunted.

"It ain't worth…it." The purple blotch I saw out of the corner of my eye was the DragonBites(tm)Dragon. I jogged away from Talya and over to the side of the arena.

"Uh, why are you purple now?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm purple to advertise our new flavor of DragonBites(tm)Gummies flavor, Gushing Grape(tm)!" it answered cheerfully.

"Oh, that makes sense…I guess." I jogged off in the direction of the castle. Penultima never seemed to stay the same. Something new was always around the corner. I hated it.

* * *

Paladin2007: So, that's the end of the first chapter. Tell me what you think and I'll get back to you with an update (eventually). Sorry if it hasn't made much sense because it was made for people who have played the Penultima campaign. I will explain more of what happened up until now a little later, possibly giving it a chapter of its own. Thanks for reading and if you liked the chapter, make sure you review. And if you didn't like it, review anyways and tell me what I did wrong. See ya later. 

Furin: But what about Talya?

Paladin2007: Shoulda spoken earlier my friend. Bye all!

Furin: But wai…!

End Transmission


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